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[27 Sep 2006|10:58pm] |
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hate me - blue october |
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i dont hate many people in this world. in fact, i dont think that i've ever hated anyone... until now. and its the one that i loved so much. there IS a fine line between the two emotions. i don't think that its fair for me to feel so completely shitty, being the one in our relationship that was so devoted to making things work. i finally had settled down completely and given my while heart to her. i finally got a job. things were going well. i thought we'd have a future; move out together and shit. and thats why its not fair for her to be out having the time of her life w/someone new, guilt-free, not giving a fuck about me, not upset in the least. in fact, she would even laugh about certain things when i tried to talk to her about them. she's not depressed or upset in the least, and she didn't devote shit to us. she didn't give her heart to me at all. she did the oposite. she lied, cheated, and schemed. so is it fair for her to feel great while i feel like shit?
i am completely stupid for giving her another chance like i did. she treated it the exact same way as the last time. she found somone new while we were still together and when she felt the moment was right for her, she vanished and wouldn't even talk to me. so now she's w/this guy, jonathan richey, supposively... and probably a few other people.
even b4 this, she would "meet up" w/her ex when i passed out at night. she would lead guys on. she's a fake ass bitch, and a whore. i truly do hate her. i hope she burns in hell and i never have to hear her name spoken again. there's a good chance i'll change my cell#. so anyone besides her, who wants it, get it. i don't ever want to have to deal w/her again. i want to get over this and never look back. that's what i'm tryin to do. renee spent the night and we drank jack and had a good time. i spent a little time w/ginny as well. she's lookin fine too. she's lost some of her weight and she's hot. renee and her both have been super-supportive and given only real advice. they only want the best of me and i love them both. ste... the bitch... tho, she's old news now. i hope she tries to call me so i can tell her what a slut she is and hang up on her. i hope she tries to see me so i can smack that hoe and send her on her way. i truly hate that bitch.
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[18 Sep 2006|11:01pm] |
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hate me - blue october |
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i haven't written anything in a long ass time. so i'll make it quick anyway. i finally got a job. its toco hell, but eh: what can u do... its a job for now at least. also they let me work full time mostly. and then there's my relationship (or lack thereof) problems. it seems like i only post when im having a rough time w/that. nevertheless, stephanie pulled some of her old tricks. i.e. disappearing like she always used to do. she went out one night, said she'd be back in ten minutes and never came back. since then, i haven't seen her in five days. she finally answered one of my calls and told me that she "doesn't know" if she still wants to be w/me. i know what that means. i've seen all of this before, and i know that our "relationship" is in serious trouble. i know that i've probably lost her again and probably for good this time. and to make it worse, its like some kind of sick birthday present; being that my bday is 2morrow (20th). now i get to be sad and alone on my 24th bday. if that sounds pathetic, then that's b/c it is. she just had to ruin that for me. its like things were too good for too long, so she had to ruin my life once more. and the sad part is that i really did love her and i truly was devoting myself to being w/her for the rest of my life. i was treating her, overall, better than ever. she totally took advantage of my weakness for her and hurt me just like she did a year ago. im a fucking idiot for letting my gaurd down. i knew that it was a bad idea. i knew not to trust her, but i did it anyway. happy birthday to me... right...
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[20 Jun 2006|10:18pm] |
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Talahina Sky - Kings of Leon |
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So I haven't posted in a long-ass time. Things haven't been so great. Since last post, the girl I was dating was lying to me about her job. She told me she was a cocktail waitress @ Platinum, and she was @ 1st. However, I found out later on that she was stripping and lying to me about it. I busted her when she left her waitressing outfit (a slutty little skirt, ect...) @ the apartment we were staying in. So when I asked her what she wore, she said her waiting outfit. I asked her why it was in the drawer the whole time she was gone, and @ that pt., she was busted and she knew it. Not only that, but she wasn't helping me at all. She would encourage me to do stupid things as long as it benefited her. I lost my job bc her and I went to stay at her grandparents apt., and I lost track of which day it was and didn't go into work. If I wouldn't have let her talk me into running off w/her, I would've kept my job @ Mimi's.
Now, I still don't have a job. I am busting my ass though trying to find one. I'm about to go flip burgers 'til I can find a better one.
So when I left the stripper, Step and I got back together. She truly has changed her life since we broke up. She's grown up alot. She doesn't disappear or cheat on me (that I know of) now. She's almost back to the girl I used to know. Only now, she's trying to fight me like every day. She always wants something I can't give her, and calls me greedy when I can't do it. I'm just broke, and I'm sorry I can't provide for her like I'd want to. Also, Renee has been causing problems for us.
Renee got evicted from her apt., so my mom told her she could stay w/us for a few days. Well that turned into a few months by now. Even I'm getting sick of her being her, and she's one of my best friends. I just can't take it thought. Also, I can understand Step's pt. of view - me living w/my ex and all. However, I'm not involved w/her @ all. I've behaved completely, but I can understand how it would bother Step. So we're tryin 2 get her out w/o being mean about it unless we have to.
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[10 Jan 2006|11:26pm] |
So I'm dating this girl, Ginny. She's beautiful. We have almost TOO much n common w/me. We get along really well.
Aww hell, I cant do this right now.
To be continued ...
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[25 Dec 2005|01:15am] |
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So alot of shit has happened in my life since I've updated anything in LJ. I won't go into hardly any of it in detail. I will however try to summarize.
I've been dating this girl, Ginny. She's really great. She makes me happy and she's really hot. She says she loves me, but I question her motives at times. She is great though. I feel guilty for ditching Stephanie the way I did. I shouldn't. She was still fucking w/ her ex and not being there for me. At least I was honest enough to leave her before embarking on this new portion of my life.
I know that Christmas isn't supposed to be like this, but that's just the way it is. In this world, I'm alone when it comes down to it. When all is said and done, there is no one there for me the way that I am/was there for others. Not my mom, not my siblings, not a girl, and not a friend; they're all out for themselves when it comes down to it. They won't tell you this, but actions prove it. Don't ever forget to look out for yourself when times get hard, b/c no one else will. This may sound selfish or whatnot, but its the cold hard facts of life.
We all look up to someone in life, but what if there comes a time when you realize that you were looking up to the wrong person. If someone was there throughout your entire life and you looked to them for guidance and advice, and they committed an unspeakable act against you... what would you do? What if they attacked your way of life and did something that could never be taken back or changed? What if they did something that people get killed over every day... but it was someone as close as a brother??? You can't kill them, though you may want to. How would you feel? Angry? Sad? Well, yes, both. But moreover: confused. It would shake your entire belief structure and ideals. You almost wouldn't know right from wrong or up from down. I know one thing: I will never look up to any one person again. I will never forget and probably never forgive. You realize that your entire life, you were wrong. The guidance you once sought is now worthless, and you can't turn to anyone else for the guidance, b/c what if they're wrong? You wouldn't know until it was too late.
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[16 Oct 2005|05:56am] |
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So shit's been goin on, life and whatnot. Things are alright. Nothing incredibly good or bad has happened. I just thought I'd write b/c I hadn't in so long.
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[27 Aug 2005|01:21am] |
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Weil I got back from rehab. I actually had fun in there. It was like a vacation... a very strange vacation... but I don't want to go back. It didn't fix all of my problems, but I'm 10 times better off than I was. It was a good chance to get back to reality and get in check.
So I got my job back. That kicks ass. I really never should have quit, I just wasn't thinking at the time.
So I got this computer. It kicks ass. Well, I'm still paying on it, but only for like 2wks tops.
Anyway, more to come ltr...
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[07 Aug 2005|11:02pm] |
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Today was the best horrible day I've had in a long while. Still crippled and dazed by depression, she came like an angel in my nightmare. Kasey, called me today and invited me out for a friendly game of putt-putt. Now I realize that I probably mean little to her, and putt-putt doesn't replace a the lifelong love that I've lost. Above all, I KNOW no to get my hopes up: a girl on her level can have any guy alive, but today she called me. She's beautiful, smart, ambitious, level-headed, and best of all, doesn't do drugs.
So even if nothing else ever came of us, she still showed me a light at the end of my dark tunnel of a life. More than anything, it was a huge step in letting go of the painful past.
I'll shut up now about my putt-putt game. But she's a great girl. Who knows? A girl like that could really do good things to my life situation. However, now she'll think I'm an asshole b/c I can't call her for the next week. I'm going away. I got my time away, but its not what I expected. Rehab, folks. Full inpatient drug rehabilitation. The time is right, and I need it or else my life will only get worse like it has so far. I'm doing this to better myself, so fuck anyone who says rehab is for quitters. I'm giving it a try, after all a loser can only hook up with other losers.
So I'll catch y'all in a week or so, and hopefully I'll be one step closer to "normal."
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[07 Aug 2005|01:01am] |
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It Don't Matter - Rehab |
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Well, they told me that things couldn't get any worse. "They" were wrong. At work today, Mimi took me out back and yelled at me, accusing me of doing drugs at work. When in all actuality, I stopped doing drugs at work like 2 months ago. Plus, I just got back in town from Charleston, and my excuse to Mimi was that I had a brother who was in ICU as the result of a bad car wreck. (God forbid that ever happens) Just the same, I was upset already anyway, for one reason or another (or possibly no reason at all). So she tells me to go back inside and that she's gonna "be keeping an eye on me." She was a complete bitch about the whole thing, plus if my bro WAS in ICU, she should have a little more compassion than that. Plus, if there's one thing that I hate, its being accused of something when I truly am innocent. So I told her to give me my check and dipped the fuck out of her shitty restauraunt. I need a job, but hopefully now I can find one in Charleston and get on w/ my life. So that's how it got worse.
The only good news is that MaryJane is doing better, thank GOD. Sometimes it feels like she's all I've got left.
I can't keep my mind off the evil Stephanie bitch. I mean, I told her she had to choose bt. Toby and the drugs or me. If she loved me at all then there would be no thinking about it. When I messed up w/ her, I knew before I was even caught who I loved and who I truly wanted to be with. All this tells me is that I love her way more than she ever loved me. I just wish that I was over her, or I had someone to help me get over her... someone who would love me in return. After all, that's what love is, right? Mutual feelings? Mutual respect? Nothing about her and I is mutual. Its a one-way street where I pour my heart out to her and get shat upon over and over again. Oh well, life sucks, so what should I expect? I fell in love with a shallow hoe bitch that has broken me, and now I don't know if I can ever love again.
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| Yes, you all told me so. I already know. |
[06 Aug 2005|12:43am] |
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Well alot more has happened since the last entry.
Well now is everyone's chance to say: "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" So go ahead, I deserve it.
Like an idiot, I listened to none of the advice offered to me and took Stephanie back. She said she moved out w/ Toby, the guy she left me for last time, and also broke up w/him. Well she did move back home, but she never left him. I knew something wasn't right b/c she never had time for me. She was always "sleeping" or something (yea, sleeping w/him). Anyway, I found out like 4 nights ago when she told me she'd come stay w/ me after work last weekend. Well she never answered that night, never came home the next day. So I absolutely knew something was up so I called the guy. He told me that she's been telling him all of the same shit she told me. Well, did I set myself up for disaster or what. She was using both of us, all while she spoke of our "dream" of a happy family and shit. Then she ripped my heart out again and destroyed it. I love this girl, but staying w/ her will be the end of me (literally). She's still strung out on speed and never did love me I guess. I give up on finding a girl. They're all devious and out to get me, just like I suspected. They all said it was paranoia, but I was right. However, my heart was wrong.
I spent some well needed time away from town. Much thnx 2 Major for being there when I needed someone and somewhere to turn to. I hope to return very soon.
To make things worse, I got like my 12th ticket in the last month or so. I'm investing in a bicycle (1/2way serious).
My mom and her were the only 2 people who were ALWAYS there 4 me (and MaryJane, who is sick now). So my support group is wearing thin.
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[10 Jun 2005|02:59pm] |
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Well alot has happened since the last entry.
I got a new used car. Its a '97 red Integra GS-R. Already lowered with racing rims. She's beautiful, and a dream to drive as well. She handles like the old Integra I had, only better with the new body style and the sway bars. She's every bit as fast as the old one with very few modifications. It only has an intake, springs, rims, tires, racing cams and cam gears. Yet its still as fast as the old one which has an entire ignition system with cap, coil, distributor and wires, entire exhaust system with intake, headers and a straight pipe with performance muffler, almost a complete suspension system with springs, camber kit, rims, tires, and a racing clutch to top it off. That's just the performance shit. So if the new one is faster with little to no mods, then just imagine what she'll do when I dump some money into her. When that VTEC kicks in, it sounds so mean. Its amazing what a 4cylinder can do these days. Its fucking exhilirating.
But its not all gravy. The car has its problems. I think that's why I got such a bargain on it (~3000 under KBB). It needs an O2 sensor, VTEC sensor, and it burns oil. The fucking doosh-bag at Baker auto sales told me that a mechanic checked it out, but when I had one check it out (after I bought it), it had the wrong radiator and it didn't even have a condensor fan. But I still love my car and its by far the best material posession I've ever had.
Stephanie comes around every once and a while. She comes and spends time with me. We get along probably better than we ever have. We don't argue or fight. She doesn't piss me off or hurt me. I don't get ill with her. We're both relatively happy to be in each other's company. She does things to show me that she cares, and likewise. I wish things would just stay this way forever. I mean, if we started dating again, I know they would fall apart. Maybe we're better off as friends or whatever you call it these days. She has her bf that she claims to despise, and then I'm there on the side. She comes to see me and its almost a secret. But we do our thing and then she goes back to her life - her bf and her family. We never see too much of each other and we enjoy the time we do spend with each other. She says she loves me though and that she wants to marry me one day and have a family (yes, she mentioned the K-I-D-S word). She claims that we're engaged still. We kinda used to be. I bought her a promise ring and we said that one day when we got older, we'd get engaged and then married. I thought that her dissappearing and running around with half of Greenville and all of Fountain Inn would cancel off any promise or engagement. But appearantly not in her eyes. I guess she thinks that I'll take her back whenever she's done with whatever she set out to do when she went wild with the sex and the drugs. I honestly don't know what I would do if she calmed down and wanted to come "home" to me. I don't know if I could take her after the things she's done to me. Yet I don't know if I could turn her down after all of the time I wasted wishing I could get her back and trying to get her to settle down and come home so I can provide for and support her, so I could be her man and I could call her mine again. It always seemed so right, but now that I am content being single, I don't know if I could risk getting hurt by her again when she cheats on me or runs away from me again. I don't know what I would do - or what I will do rather.
I work at Mimi's steakhouse as the "head busser." It's a good job, maybe the best I've had so far. I don't want to lose it. It pays well plus the bosses are good people. Its hard work at times, but I enjoy it.
More to come...
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| nice guys really do finish last |
[25 May 2005|05:43pm] |
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I don't know if I mentioned in my last couple of entries that I was letting Jes and Billy stay out @ the hangar for a lil min 'til they got their shit straight. So I told me last week that they had 8 more days, making this past Mon. their last day. So Jes left a couple of days earlier. I went out there to see if Billy needed a ride or anything. Well, there was no sign of him whatsoever... also no sign of the CAR-15, the only gun that my dad left that hadn't been stolen yet, also worth well over a grand. So I called his mom and told her that I was gonna press charges if I didn't get it back. She came up w/it @ the last minute. So I left the cops out of this one and got it back.
It boiled my skin that he would steal that after all I did for him and after he said "how fucked up it was for Tommy" to take the other one. I told Billy many times that I would much rather have someone ask me than steal it. I fed him, supplied his nicotine addiction (among others), and gave him a place 2 crash free of charge.
I'm just sayin that I can't do anything nice for anyone these days b/c someone will take advantage of me and fuck me over - friend or no friend. I can see how people become bitter and only think if themselves after shit like this. I try to be nice, but every time I let my gaurd down, somebody fucks me over.
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[15 May 2005|05:04pm] |
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livejournal may 15, 2005
its been a while since i've made an entry. hence, a good bit has changed since my last entry. so allow me to break it down into the following easy to read categories for you: money, drugs, hoes, cars.
Money became a problem (see drugs category). I used up all of the credit I could get. I liquidated anything that I could. I bummed money at every chance I could find, mostly from my mom. Even after putting her through all of this, at the worst possible time, she's still there for me. I would have disowned myself if I was her. Anyway, I finally realized that I couldn't go on like this any longer. So, I finally got serious and got off my ass and found a job. Really, I wasn't even looking for one. I was feeling burned out one night, and my mom asked me if I would go out to eat with her. I didn't feel like it, but I went anyway. Now I'm glad I did. We went to Mimi's Steakhouse of Japan. I saw some kids busing tables, and I said to myself: What's stopping me from doing that? So I asked Mimi if she was hiring. She told me to come in the next day to talk w/ her. Upon talking to her, she told me to come back in two hours and start working. So I did. Two months later, here I am. Pay is good, more than any other job I've ever had (just in the check), on top of that, I get tip shares every time I work, which means cash to spend almost every night.
Drugs are bad. I've told myself this time and time again. I stopped going to the clinic a while back (i may have mentioned this in previous entries). This was a bad move. I got back into old habits. It was all fun for a while. Soon, I found myself curled up on the couch in cold chills and hot sweats, dope sick as hell. It wasn't the worst I'd ever felt, but close. So this, along with the money situation, caused me to sign up at the clinic again. I realized that I was a better person when I was going there. I never would consider doing some of the shit I did fort money when I was on the methadone. It wasn't a cure-all, but it made my life better and the lives of people around me. So I went to a different clinic, one with more laid back rules and more caring counselors. Life is good again. I don't enjoy worrying about how I'm gonna get drugs or money for drugs. Now, I don't. I just go there in the morning, and I can spend my day worrying about important shit.
Hoes are bad. I broke up with Crystal. It just wasn't working out. I couldn't keep her hanging on to nothing. So she went to Brad G. in an attempt to make me jealous, but it didn't work because I could care less. So let him deal with her shit. I'm through. She was too needy and she wanted more out of a relationship than I did. She was 27 and I'm 22. She wants marriage and kids and shit. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against long term relationships, but I'm not ready for all of that. I do talk to Stephanie occasionally, but I'm not hung up on her like I was. I did ask her though, how she ended up with this Toby dude. She said that she had known him for a while, which means that she was seeing him when we were "working shit out", when I thought everything was good again. So I asked her if this was the case and she said no, of course. So then I asked her what was so great about this guy that she could just up and leave me w/o a word. How could she just leave me like that without letting me know why or even know what was going on? She replied, "Do we have to talk about this right now?" So I said, "No, no we don't. But one day I do want an answer. I deserve an answer. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day I want to know why... bc I think about this like all of the time." And I do. I wonder why? I wonder what I did wrong, and what I could've done differently. If I would've loved her more, would she have stayed? ...probably not... Oh, her friend told me about more of the people that she cheated on me with... at my own parties... when I was too fucked up... fucking her ex'es who I was nice enough to let into my domain. Oh well, her being a slut is old news I guess. Anyway, I'm not caught up like I was. I can and will move on. I'm not in a hurry to date anyone though. I'm gonna let her find me, and when this happens, I'll know it was meant to be.
cars are good. I was driving the bmw one night with crystal and another buddy, riding dirty as hell. I came to a stop light and BOOM! It hit me, it being a huge white ford pickup. and then "it" left, just as quickly as it hit me. and there I was I sent my buddy off with the contraband. he had warrants anyway, so doing this saved both of our asses. They never caught the assholes that hit me, they probably didn't look very hard. Thankfully, no one was hurt though. This ended up being a blessing though. There was a claus in the insurance for hit and runs. So we got blue book value on the beat up beamer, 4700! I found a car that had been repo'd in Greer, so it was 4700, a bargain for this car. It's a 1997 Acura Integra GSR, lowered with rims. Clean inside and out, runs like a champ, and only 93000 miles. She's fast too, that VTEC is the shiznat.
In short, life is good. I want for nothing right now. I'm content. I'm working. I'm single. I've got a car. I've got a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I'm almost happy. I've got a few friends and my family. This is all I need. Life can be good after the bullshit clears.
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[01 Apr 2005|08:43am] |
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Yo. How's everybody else doing? Well I'm not so great I suppose. My cell phone that had just been repaired recently, and then survived through being run over, didn't survive being run over for a second time. (Possibly b/c the first time was only by a Civic, but this time it was "The Vandura," which not only sounds like a big motha fucker - it must be the equivelant of three Civics, lol)
Anywhore, not only was my cell phone destroyed last night, but so was my car (or technically my mom's). I am the most lucky guy that's ever been cursed with this much bad luck. I'm lucky b/c no one was hurt (in my car). I doubt that anyone in the other vehicle was, considering that they didn't even bother to stop! Yes folks, an old fashioned hit & run. And no, I wasn't the one hitting or the one running. I was being hit and then run from.
Here's how it happened: I was coming home from Mauldin on Main St., at the beginning of Simpsonville, just where HWY 14 meets up w/ Main St. I stopped for the red light next to Watson's Tires. Finally, the light turned green, so I proceeded to go. Just as soon as I pushed in the clutch and put 'er in first gear... BAM!!!, nigga. This mother fucker smashed the shit out of me. He must have been doing at least 50mph when he hit me. After he hit me, he swerved around me as I was pulling into the parking lot. In the process of flying around me, he came quite close to hitting two other vehicles. By the time I looked up, he was gone. All I could see was that it was a white pick-up truck, most likely a Ford, probably F-250 or F-350 super duty. I did manage to jot down a license plate number (543 NAE) which didn't match the description of the truck that I saw. At any rate, this thing was huge. The BMW is totalled I'm sure. The frame is crumpled. The rear end is destroyed. This guy must have been drunk, unlicensed, uninsured, or all of the above. Who knows? But he ruined my fucking night.
BTW, there are other things going on in my life. (not important ones) But I will write about these odds and ends in my upcoming journal entry. In the meantime, marinate on this one. Be glad that this shit never happens to you.
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[09 Mar 2005|12:52am] |
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Howdy ho. Things have been going alright lately.
I got off the methadone. So thats a good thing. My buddy got arrested, and they cut him off his methadone cold turkey. He said that he was delusional and the let him lay in his own vomit for 14 days. So that made me want to get off that shit.
Oh Stephanie is wanting my nuts and/or drugs again. She called me up talking about how she got in a fight w/her speed head boyfriend an "almost shot his face off." She wanted to "spend time w/me." So I told her that I was w/Crystal and it wasn't a good time. I also said, "You only call me up when things aren't going your way or things are going well for me, so you can come ruin them again. The only other reason you call is when you think I have drugs, so next time don't bother calling." Her best friend told me that she admitted to cheating on me w/Ray and Wally (one of her ex'es). When she fucked Ray, Karen was his girlfriend. So when she got word, she told me, "What if we gave them something to talk about, something to make them feel bad." I would love to hook up w/ Karen. She is super-cool, and she's on my level. She's laid back and she is my type, fo sho. She's not blond, but she is hot. I really like her.
That's all for now folks!
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| Word Toward Your Mother, Home Boy |
[28 Jan 2005|09:24pm] |
Word.
I guess things are looking up... finally. I got a job... finally. I now work at Billy's General Store. I'm a cook. So that's good. So far I enjoy it. The people are mostly laid back and easy to work with. They plan on giving me plenty of hours, which is great. Full time is what I was looking for. The pay could be better, but I'm just glad to be working. Maybe now I won't get bored and tempted to get into trouble. It beats McD's or Toco Hell, which is what I was almost ready to resort to. I'm so pleased to be working again.
Stephanie has her job back. If I wanted to talk to her bad enough then I could go see her, but I don't. I'm seeing Crystal. At least I don't have to worry about her disappearing for days on meth binges. And at least she's not a bitch. Stephanie was beautiful on the outside, and at one time she was beautiful on the inside. Not any more though. She is a bitch. I gave her chance after chance, and she broke my heart every time she could. Well not any more. Fuck that ho. She can go suck on the glass dick. I got a woman.
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[22 Jan 2005|09:44pm] |
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"Kate is Great" - Bouncing Souls |
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So what's been up in the life of Lex?
Pierced my lip yesterday. I thought my bottom lip was fat naturally, you should see it now.
Well... I stopped seeing Crystal so I could work things out with Stephanie. Things went well for a week or so. And then out of nowhere, she vanished (again). She hasn't been home in a week, she hasn't called me either. Today is her birthday, and she hasn't even called me. Who knows which "guy friend" she's been staying with. If she didn't want to see me anymore, then fine; but at least give me an explanation or at least tell me that you don't ever want to speak with me again. I don't need an explanation though: speed is her explanation. I've lost her to that shit. She's never gonna be the sweet little girl I used to know. It got to her. It changed her. She's someone else now. I treated her too well and gave her too much over and over again for that. However, she did get her job back at a local store, so maybe I can track her down if she ever goes to work. Shit, after six years I gave her, she vanishes on a crank binge again...
Oh well, I expected this much from her... I just wish I was smart enough not to give up what I had so that she could let me down again. I knew she would try to break my heart if she could, but she hasn't; not again. This time I was ready. I kept my distance on the inside for just this occasion. I saw it coming a mile away yet still walked right into it.
I am on speaking terms with Crystal again. Maybe its not too late for that...
People around town are saying some harsh shit about me. It doesn't bother me too much, unfounded rumors never have. It just bothers me when the ignorant people buy into them. I say let them fall for the hype if they want to. Fuck it. I know who I am and I know what standards I have in this world. If no one else does, then its not my fault.
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[31 Dec 2004|09:29am] |
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New Years is here once again. Time to get shitty. Crystal is going out to the hangar w/me. Mark and Major are having people out there. I haven't invited anyone b/c I figure there will be plenty of people already. I don't like this very much b/c I have to live out there. I will get no privacy, I won't be able to have a good time b/c I'll have to watch everyone and make sure people don't go inside or get in my shit, people will be wanting places to crash; I just wish they wouldn't have their parties at the place where I have to live. Oh well.
I gave up on Stephanie again. I care for her, but I'm done waiting for the day that we'll be happy together again. It may never come. If it does, GREAT! However, I'm not getting my hopes up again. So for now, I'm with Crystal. Sure, she can be annoying, but her heart is in the right place.
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[29 Dec 2004|01:01am] |
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Yep. Today was crappy. I slept most of the day. Then I woke up and proceeded to do nothing.
I heard more rumors going around about me doing bad drugs. This just goes to show that people can't stand the thought of someone doing right. They don't want someone to straighten up their ways b/c they're afraid that it might make them look bad for the shit that they do. Before, everyone said that they supported me and they all said, "You can do it." But now that I am doing it, they just can't believe that its true. They can't accept that I really could do it, that someone can fuck up, and then turn their life around and do right. Well fuck those people. Granted that not everyone is like this, but I don't need these people in my life. I thank everyone who offers genuine support, but straight to hell with the rest of them. Its like it would bring them some twisted satisfaction to see me back at rock bottom.
I hope that Crystal doesn't get on LJ; b/c of yesterday's entry. I'm not as enthusiastic about Stephanie as I was yesterday. I do love her, but I'm tired of hoping for a day that will never come. So what now? Should I let myself fall in love with Crystal? Nah, I doubt it. The last entry was kinda unfair to her though. I think that its just to that point where one starts to notice all of the little things about someone that can be annoying. She really does care about me I think, and I guess I care about her. I'm just not sure if she's right for me yet.
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[27 Dec 2004|10:52pm] |
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It has come to my attention that Crystal is kind of... annoying I guess. She's NOT a good kisser. She's not that great in the sack. (She's an A cup! I don't hold this against her though. I'm just used to a high B to a C.) She says that she knows she's hot, and confidence is important in a woman; however, she's not as hot as she thinks. She is somewhat attractive, but she's not nearly as hot as Stephanie (and she was my idea of a damn near perfect figure and overall beauty). She always sings along to the radio in the car. She doesn't know that much about me as far as what I like or don't like. She has this deep southern accent, like a redneck. She has a "foggy" past (I won't go into that info here b/c some of it is personal), and I don't neccesarily hold this against her. However it does make for extra "baggage" emotionally. Probably the worst thing I've seen though was on her birthday, there was talk of going to get messed up. Well she goes damn near crazy talking about "I NEED drugs in my life, I NEED to get messed up. I've had a bad day so I NEED some drugs." This is disgusting to me. I realize that I may have been like this at one time, but not any more - so I don't want to be around this kind of person b/c that can anly bring me back down. When I was introduced to her, I was told that she doesn't even do any drugs, this was not true. And she doesn't even like to do the same kind of things I do. She doesn't smoke pot either. She's been married. She has 2 kids.
Don't get me wrong. I do like her. I've always wanted an older chick b/c I figured she would be settled down a little bit. I figured that an older chick might know a little more about how to keep a man happy. She can cook and clean though, lol. She does try to please me. She means well. Her heart is in the right place, I think. I just think that she's not for me. She would make a great girlfriend, for someone else. I just think that I can't stand to be around her very much; definitely not for long periods of time - and she wants to be around me like all of the time and stay the night with me damn near every night. She keeps me from being lonely, but I just don't think that I can settle for less.
In my head, she is less than Stephanie. Her face, her body, her personality, her ways, her past - it all falls short in comparison to Step. She isn't nearly as quick to get pissed off or yell. She's not nearly as possessive as Step was. I know that Step wasn't a perfect person, but she was perfect for me, almost. She knew me. She knew how to please me, and keep me happy. I loved to hang around her. She wasn't annoying. Her body was killer. Her face was beautiful. Her hair had the sexiest shade of blond. I knew about her as a person, and she knew me. I enjoyed making her happy and doing things for her. She was the perfect person for me. Although I may never have her back, and I may have to settle for someone else one day, I truly believe that we were meant for each other.
I know that I'm an idiot for being "stuck" on Stephanie. It can't be healthy. And it can't be healthy to compare every companion to my ex. I can't help it though. She set the bar. I just still can't believe that I let her slip away from me the way that I did. If I could do it over, I would do things right.
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